After injury or illness-induced trauma, animals in the wild have a natural ability to rest. They seem to know when to shelter and in some cases seek out medicinal plants or minerals for survival. It is fascinating how modern human society deals with injury or illness – we’ve come a long way, yet in the end, after treatment one is left “alone” to make his or her way back to health — including the “mental pathway.” I am writing about my experience and insights during a recent planned surgery and post-surgical recovery period and how it relates to the spiritual journey.
Getting Older
This was my first surgery, at age 69, and I was curious (not that there wasn’t trepidation). Getting older brings us closer to the inevitabilities of life. And, yes it is a little scary. We are of the nature to grow old, to become ill, to die, and to lose loved ones (see link on the Five Remembrances.) The precariousness of existence should only make the life we have more precious and special, to be shared and enjoyed every day, and a body respected. (in essence the positive aspect of the fifth remembrance –“My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand”). A few years ago my wife and I were able to travel to India and see the burning or cremation Ghats at Varanasi (one of the world’s oldest cities). Looking at the “face of death” is stark reality! Quietly staring into the fires, family and acquaintances have gathered to see the body of their love-one burned, and then ashes placed in the Ganges river. It’s believed that if one is cremated in Varanasi, and their ashes are released into the sacred and purifying water of the Ganges, their reincarnation cycle will end and they will reach Nirvana.
The Takeaways
From the surgical and in-hospital experience, followed by home recovery, here are some takeaways: 1) healthful outcomes and speed of recovery are enhanced by factors of privilege, like having the required information, assistance, shelter, support and insurance/funds; (2) when “wounded” we can act like babies or face our reality — there is a difference between self pity and a loving kindness and compassion for oneself; (3) under duress there is a tendency to project into the future, tell oneself “stories,” worry, and be a “drama queen” (maybe a male trait in this scenario) — this is where mindfulness helps; and (4) a shock and derailing to one’s normal routine, such as triggered by surgery makes one more helpless and less powerful but in turn offers an opportunity to study the components of what we call a “self.” In the end, it is still back to the question (and answer) of what really constitutes the “essence” of existence.
As to the first takeaway: I received good quality medical treatment and am fortunate to have and be able to afford good insurance and enjoy a wonderful home situation. I feel for those less fortunate who may not have a stable situation, or home environment and really can’t even afford a procedure such as mine (due to under-insurance or no insurance) or for those who have much more serious conditions (unplanned) including afflictions that require long hospital stays — and likely afterword a debt burden. Recently I received an email from an old workmate. She said her son had been in the hospital for a month with a very bad leg infection (the son’s wife is disabled), lost his job, got out only to be re-admitted with a MRSA (type of staph) infection. Eviction also happened , so they are now living in a motel with their son. Affordable good quality healthcare and social services should be readily available to all and costs shared by society. This should be a national priority — and while individual karma is variable, there is also collective societal karma that speaks for itself.
The Surgery
Trusting the surgical team is very helpful in curbing worry. In turn, those administering services have a duty to inform and calm the patient. The surgery, abbreviated, is called a TURP, to relieve symptoms associated with an enlarged prostate. (If you look up the link, it is all is explained. This surgery may create panic in male persons). Yes, any cutting of the body and intrusive procedure can create a lot of aversion and anxiety for the patient — with the mitigating factor being clear communication and focus. Under anesthesia it’s as if you are not there. Waking up, no problem, like a good night’s sleep. Then you realize you are not quite free. There are iv drip lines as well as a catheter.
Unfortunately there was quite a bit of bleeding after surgery — and it was visible for everyone to see via the catheter tube. Here come the “drama queen” part. Anyone remember the Stones song Sister Morphine (1971), well actually a cover/adaptation from the original Sister Morphine Marianne Faithfull (1969)? “And you can watch all the clean white sheets stained red…” OK, it wasn’t that bad, and no blood stained sheets, morphine or too much pain (although a lot of discomfort) — but there was a certain sense of self pity and a bit of worry. This brings up a spiritual antidote, the four Brahma Viharas, or positive states that describe a foundation or platform for spiritual stability and growth as well as a positive platform for interaction with our environment and momentary situations. During times of stress we can panic or have self pity or we can accept the inevitability of the current moment and have compassion and loving kindness for ourselves. The fourth Vihara, equanimity, would be especially helpful in the situation as described — a balanced state of mind with neither clinging or aversion.
The next morning the rate of bleeding was still unacceptable and a second surgery was performed. While the mystery of where we reside while under anesthesia came and went, waking up was little harder. I was fortunate to be able to go home the next day and get the catheter out a few days after that, but still very much the injured animal.
The Mental Side of it All
In the early stages of recovery there was less mental focus and a tendency for self pity. Ideally this is the time for greatest need of focus and for a positive mind state. Then again, effects of anesthesia are basically an intoxicant and the body is in serious defense/shock mode due to the physical impacts of the “injury.” This is why you shelter — to provide a suitable and safe environment for healing, to regain balance, stability, and a healthy mental framework. While significant information is available in popular literature on self healing, little of it can be said to be scientifically based. This blog has repeatedly stressed the benefits of meditation. A peaceful, positive and accepting state of mind, as developed over time by meditation can offer a stable healing platform. A positive approach arguably works integrally with the body and the mind, after all the two are intimately linked. Compassion for the self is OK. There is little benefit to adding a story of woe or blame or “why me,” or what will happen. Just be with it. Of course medicines and technical aspects of medical treatment have a great bearing on outcomes as well, but in the end it is on us to get well.
Here is a beautiful piece in Psychology Today featuring an interview with Toni Bernhard, who teaches Buddhist concepts regarding healing, primarily mental healing in the face of chronic sickness and pain. As she states, healing and relief from the suffering of illness or injury can be facilitated by directing…”our attention to the present moment; fear is simply not there because fear resides in stories we tell ourselves about the future.” So, this does not mean the condition goes away, simply we can develop tools to better deal with the situation in a mentally healthy way that can bring peace and equanimity.
Tip: asking yourself “are you sure?” can often stop the mind from spinning out of control regarding a situation that simply may not be true. This is where direct and thoughtful/reflective conversations with a physician and the care team becomes imperative. Do the research if you can.
Transitions
When I awoke from the second surgery and examined the situation it was clear that “I” was not the same person as who came into surgery. This was not just the physical reality of surgery, literally having a wound, or due to the tubes into my body. It was a mental state — that I would call (initially) less focused, or perhaps better described in that my perception of phenomenon was parsed into small pieces that were the focus of rapid and revolving observation. This was a change in consciousness. One of the pillars of Buddhism are the Three Marks of Existence –impermanence (aniccā), non-self (anattā) and unsatisfactoriness or suffering (dukkha) . Being sick or recovering from a wound is very humbling and offers us a chance to closely examine these aspects, the marks, since they are said to describe the characteristics of the world we live in and the characteristics of ourselves. One can use the experience as an insight, chalk it up as just an inconvenience and not learn a lot from it, or possibly have it be a catalyst for a downward spiral of anguish and self pity and deterioration in health.
My observations were a mosaic of everything that had created the “person” who I was, both physically and mentally. The experience was also one of helplessness or lack of power. Inversely the thirst for achievement is why we celebrate our victories (of all kinds) and are often fascinated by superheroes (of our own imagination or popularized) and the concept of immortality. This is just a human characteristic and what contributes to humanities collective achievement and motivates us in the everyday world. Most of us fall short of the physical perfection that seems so valued or the genius category that brings great achievements, so we can either “project” (a lot) or conversely just be happy/peaceful with who we are/what we do — focus on mental health and a functional life with meaningful relationships. For society at large, the need to self-actualize through a leader may explain the dangerous phenomenon such as Trumpism and why people follow despots.
The recovery period included times when I did tell myself stories — “if this surgery has created such incapacity and change, what lies ahead in extreme old age?” In this case, thoughts of the future caused suffering in the form of fear and anxiety. I like the slightly humorous phrase, “self-loathing,” in that all of us (including the great narcissists) have at times come down hardest on ourselves. But why should one self-loathe if the self is empty, impermanent and always changing? In the case of sickness and injury, we can be the animal who finds a quiet spot to rest or we can be the animal that (mentally) trashes around lamenting ones fortune and predicting even worse outcomes than the present moment. If only one can gain passive perspective on the ever changing “self” then maybe there is no need to come down on the self that is already gone, moved on.
Along with the initial post surgery fragmentation, there was a self image issue. This was not necessarily a self-loathing, but a rather a seemingly real feeling of looking at oneself in the mirror and not seeing anything especially attractive or familiar — as if a seeing a neutral stranger. My dreams at night tended to be darker and reflected old themes related to work/career/schooling frustrations — even though I am retired. It is a fair question to ask who we would be without our memory. As our persona is shaped by past karmic events and deeply imprinted in our minds, it is not surprising to be vulnerable to the mental wounds of the past when our “guard” is down. As time went by, the sense of self returned and the image of littleknownmystic became more familiar, and well, more likable. During sickness or injury we may deconstruct ourselves, perhaps in order to heal. The wounded lion resting in the bush is not the same lion that hunts. During this time period the energy associated with putting on a face is not necessary.
In the end, as the healing process completes, something has been taken away and then added back in. Since we are conditioned by past events it seemed likely that a similar assemblage of characteristics, which I label as the self, would return or re-assemble. It is a bit like in the Terminator movies where the killer machine melts down when hit and then recombines and heals itself. The mindful observation of the process of undergoing injury and then healing was very revealing. I considered it a gift.
So where does this observation and experience lead to? For myself, the experience emphasized the impermanent and non-self nature of existence. It is all so tenuous, potentially fragile and forever changing. The universe that we “see” and experience is shaped by a myriad of dancing atomic and quantum particles — and it is all happening through our “luminous” minds. Our mental functioning and actions add flavors onto that experience. Maybe it is time to add less on to my experience and just look between those dancing particles that are also called the 10000 grasses, and see what is really there. Physicists tell us that the human body is 99.9999999 percent empty space. There is literally and figuratively nowhere to stand, at least for very long. While this may sound like a negative message, on the contrary, I believe that we are put into this world so that we may continue evolving — to merge and grow with the incredible wisdom and intelligence that is always “Here,” once we get over ourselves. After all, we are only human and the tools such as meditation, mindfulness and such concepts as the Three Marks only point us in the direction of wisdom, with the right path lit up by what brings us true happiness and peace. More on wisdom next time.
Little Known Mystic 